Sunday, September 30, 2007

Come to the Light Side


Political Jokes:

Day in, day out, and often past the midnight hour, many people including myself read news items that has Huxley and Orwell looking like modern guru's. It seems like the world of Flash Gordon is upon us. The U.S. Military have tested out jetpacks that are strapped on the back and with levers that control flight and likely, assault weapons, they can propel themselves like helicopters at a fantastic rate of speed. Many countries in the world are becoming a Police State and that includes Canada and United States. Talk about images that are burned into the brain, just remember 9/11 and the planes smashing into the twin towers. That is as surreal as it gets.
Even with the power of discernment, the labyrinth of webs weaved before us makes finding the truth about our political leaders difficult, seemingly unbelievable, and for some, denial is the only way they can survive. Of course, there are the ignorant, the people who rely on fads, movie and tv stars, and trinklets, to become their world of make believe. To raise ignorant children is child abuse.





If you fill your head with garbage
What do you expect
To come out of your head?

If you ignore politics
What do you expect
The politicians are up to?

Read books and listen
Become informed
Make a difference.







I've never done so much reading since bloggers flooded the internet. The Bush Administration is a prime source of entertainment. Perhaps, an apple a day works for some but I also believe that we all need a few laughs a day. Your welcome to laugh along with me. This site will be added to as I find political humour to post here.
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What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."
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"In a new book, Mexico's former president, Vicente Fox, says that President Bush's Spanish is at grade school-level. Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt, because Fox made the comments in Spanish." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new book, former Mexican President Vicente Fox says George W. Bush's Spanish is at best grade school level. Unfortunately, so is his History, Math, Science." --Jay Leno

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The George W. Bush Loyalty Quiz10 Questions to Test Your Allegiance to President Bush
Are you a true believer in George W. Bush, or do you think he has been a miserable failure? Perhaps you're still struggling to make up your mind. Take this quiz and we'll gauge your level of support for the 43rd president.
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Political Cartoon Rorschach TestWhat's Your Political Profile? Rate Cartoons and Find Out
You can tell a lot about a person's politics by what they find funny. Something that is downright hilarious to a Democrat is often outrageously offensive to a Republican, and vice versa. To assess what your sense of humor reveals about your partisanship, we've created the Political Cartoon Rorschach Test. Rate 20 cartoons and funny pictures mocking both the left and right and we'll gauge where you fit on the political spectrum.
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A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with “Once Upon A Time?”
“No,” he replied. A whole lot of them begin with “If elected I promise…”
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Top 10 Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Under-Qualified
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing".
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy".
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.
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You Know You're a Republican/Democrat If ...

You know you're a Republican if you support George Bush's plan to put a man on Mars.
You know you're a Democrat if you want that man to be George Bush.
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This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."
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"Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, 'Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein.'" --Bill Maher
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"Afghanistan reported a record opium crop. I think that explains why Dick Cheney came back from his trip saying, 'Hey, they greeted us with flowers. And they blew my mind'." --Bill Maher
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"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards ... is now being criticized by conservatives for living in a mansion while talking about poverty. As opposed to Republicans, who live in a mansion and talk about a tax cut." --Jay Leno
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"Emotional appeals about working families trying to get by on $4.25 an hour [the minimum wage in 1996] are hard to resist. Fortunately, such families do not exist." –Tom DeLay, during a debate in Congress on increasing the minimum wage, April 23, 1996
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"The Washington Post reports that Senator Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Oh sure, when she does it, it's okay.'" --Conan O'Brien
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"President Bush has reversed himself and decided to allow Condoleezza Rice to publicly testify before the 9/11 commission under oath. It was a little dicey for awhile because White House lawyers told Bush that they didn't want to set a dangerous precedent. Bush said 'Hey I'm the precedent, I'll decide what's dangerous around here.'" —Jay Leno
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"Donald Rumsfeld has been let go. Insiders describe Rumsfeld's reaction as shocked and awed. How does that make Rumsfeld feel when George Bush tells you you're not competent enough?" --Jay Leno
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"Donald Rumsfeld testified before Congress today. Donald Rumsfeld said he didn't read the report on Iraqi prisoners because it was too long and it contained too much information. When he heard this, President Bush said 'Hey that's my line.'" —Conan O'Brien
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"According to a new report, security screeners at our nation's airports -- this is scary -- failed to find fake bombs hidden on undercover agents 60% of the time.
President Bush said today, 'Well, who cares about fake bombs?'" --Jay Leno
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The Senate opened a formal probe into televangelists Tuesday. The senators say televangelists are living in opulent luxury by preying on the poor and the sick. If they want to do that they're going to have to run for office just like everybody else. - Argus Hamilton
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Bush claims he wants to work with the Democrats. Yeah, right. The same way a 5- year- old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants. - Will Durst
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People like the President because he seems like a guy you could have a beer with. But now it's time to take away the car keys. - Will Durst
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Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the Federal Reserve, suggested Sunday that a tax break or other government help for homeowners facing the mortgage crunch would be the best political fix for the economy. A White House spokesman said this was a nice idea but they only give financial aid to struggling, needy conglomerates.
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President Bush told ABC's Martha Raddatz that his alcohol problem wasn't severe, but he still had a hard time quitting. What a bunch of hooey. If it wasn't severe, why was stopping so difficult? That's why I love Dubya: even when he's telling the truth, he's lying.
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"Meanwhile, on the Republican side, yesterday John McCain visited President George W. Bush to be passed the torch, a torch that the president most likely broke and crazy glued back together hoping no one would notice." --Jon Stewart
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"And not to be outdone on this subject, George Bush made a speech this week on global warming. The good news? He finally admits it's real. The bad news? He wants to invade the sun." --Bill Maher
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"When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said, quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face. That's what the vice president does." –Bill Maher
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"A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler
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"They released this week four prisoners who were previously held in Guantanamo Bay, and they've been cleared of their charges. And listen to this: they're resettling them in Bermuda and giving them each $100,000. In a related story, the entire population of Detroit said today they are part of al Qaeda." --Bill Maher
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God does not have a birth certificate and neither does Obama. - Rush Limbaugh, Domestic Terrorist
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Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she’s hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.- Jay Leno
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Top Ten Things Overheard During Dick Cheney’s Hunting Trip: David Letterman

10. ‘Has everyone updated their will?’
9. ‘The crisp air is giving me goose bumps -- no, wait, it’s another heart attack.’
8. ‘My pacemaker also makes bird calls.’
7. ‘This can’t end well.’
6. ‘I want that quail taken alive – let’s find out what the son of a bitch knows.’
5. ‘Bush was supposed to come, but his father got him out of it.’
4. ‘Condi, grab a shotgun and go get yourself a man.’
3. No number 3 -- writers making picket signs for upcoming strike.
2. ‘You shoot one old guy in the face, avoid talking to authorities, delay taking a blood-alcohol test and you’re labeled
a bad guy.’ 1. ‘Duck!’”
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The Dumbest Things President Bush Said in 2007
10. "And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it." --interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007
9. "I fully understand those who say you can't win this thing militarily. That's exactly what the United States military says, that you can't win this military." --on the need for political progress in Iraq, Washington, D.C., Oct. 17, 2007
8. "One of my concerns is that the health care not be as good as it can possibly be." --on military benefits, Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007
7. "Mr. Prime Minister, thank you for your introduction. Thank you for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit." --addressing Australian Prime Minister John Howard at the APEC Summit.
Later, in the same speech: "As John Howard accurately noted when he went to thank the Austrian troops there last year..." --referring to Australian troops as "Austrian troops," Sept. 7, 2007
6. "My relationship with this good man is where I've been focused, and that's where my concentration is. And I don't regret any other aspect of it. And so I -- we filled a lot of space together." --on British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Washington, D.C., May 17, 2007
5. "You helped our nation celebrate its bicentennial in 17 -- 1976." --to Queen Elizabeth, Washington, D.C., May 7, 2007 (Watch video clip)
4. "The question is, who ought to make that decision? The Congress or the commanders? And as you know, my position is clear -- I'm a Commander Guy." --deciding he is no longer just "The Decider," Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007 (Watch video clip)
3. "Information is moving -- you know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets." --Washington, D.C., May 2, 2007
2. "There are some similarities, of course (between Iraq and Vietnam). Death is terrible." --Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007
1. "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007 (Watch video clip)
Got a Bushism? Email it to politicalhumor.guide@about.com
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One for Stephen Harper
Jack Layton and Stephen Harper somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Jack Layton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Jack was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife Olivia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Stephen and said, "How about you, Mr. Harper?"
Harper replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
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Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Promises
10. "Bring stability and long term security to 'The View.'"
9. "Each year on my birthday, every American gets a cupcake."
8. "You'll have the option of rolling dice against the IRS for double-or-nothing on your taxes."
7. "Having trouble getting a flight and Air Force One is available -- it's yours."
6. "My Vice President will never shoot anybody in the face."
5. "Turn Gitmo into a Dairy Queen as soon as possible."
4. "For over a century there have been only two Dakotas -- I plan to double that."
3. "We will finally have a President who doesn't mind pulling over and asking for directions. Am I right, ladies?"
2. "I will appoint a committee to find out what the heck is happening on 'Lost.'"
1. "One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears.
"Watch the video of Hillary's Top Ten List, plus check out a funny clip from the interview featuring Hillary joking about her pantsuits.
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video
Rick Mercer talks to Americans
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How the bail out works.
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad News, the donkey died.’ Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’ Chuck said, ‘Sure I can Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’
Chuck now works for the Goldman Sachs.
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David Letterman's Top Ten Classified Pieces of Information Revealed by Joe Biden
10. Biden confirmed Vice President has no actual responsibilities. 9. Obama also bought his kids a kangaroo. 8. Nixon faked his death to escape gambling debts. 7. In case of trouble, President's car can turn into a fighting robot. 6. To enter Oval Office, you must know the President's secret fist-bump. 5. Biden often skips staff meetings to watch "Jon And Kate Plus Eight." 4. America will declare it's going out of business next Tuesday. 3. Obama smokes in his sleep. 2. When Bush ran out of pate at a state dinner, he fed Queen Elizabeth week-old taco meat. 1. Dick Cheney was once caught waterboarding himself.
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